Instructions
PLEASE choose one monologue from the four below. Please choose the one which speaks to you the most, regardless of gender. They are appropriate for any identification. Monologues must be memorized and will be performed for both pre-screening and for the on-campus/zoom audition.
From Slings and Arrows by Susan Coyne, Bob Martin, Mark McKinney
A Director is explaining to the insufferable Claire, who is playing Ophelia in Shakespeare’s Hamlet, what her mad scene is really about. (Claire has been weaving about while speaking her lines — to “simulate madness” — and has said to the Director “I can’t take any meaning from the text. Ophelia is just singing nonsense songs.”)
DIRECTOR: Ophelia is a child. She has been dominated by powerful men all of her life and suddenly they all disappear. Her brother goes to France. Her father is murdered by her boyfriend and he is shipped off to England. She is alone for the first time, grieving and heartbroken and guilty because, as far as she’s concerned, it’s all her fault. She ignored her brother’s advice and fell in love with Hamlet and now their father is dead all because of her. And the pain, and the loss, and the shame, and the guilt, all of this is gnawing away inside this little child’s mind and it comes out as little...songs. (as Ophelia) “And will he not come again? And will he not come again? No. No. He is dead. My father is dead and I killed him.” Okay? Now, let’s try it again, without all the weaving about.
From Diary of a Psychotic Cat by Justin Warner
Sox, a temperamental cat with delusions of grandeur, has been engaged in an all-out war with her owner’s new boyfriend. Here, she recovers from a dose of Kitty Prozac and prepares for the final showdown.
SOX: Lying here in the laundry basket, recovering from the sedatives my lady slipped into my afternoon tuna, I feel an energy and clarity, unlike any I have known. Everywhere I see signs of my lady’s treachery. Clues I have overlooked for years suddenly snap into focus. How many times has she tried to suck me up with the vacuum cleaner? How often has her radiator "accidentally" sprayed me with scalding steam, while she played the innocent? What exactly does she plan to do with the Dutch oven she's never used? It's a 12 pound roaster! I weigh 12 pounds!
There was a time, not so long ago, when cats were masters of the Earth. I know this in my bones. We roamed outdoors at will, free of the hazards of speeding trucks and inbred toddlers with pointy sticks. We ate fish, fowl, possum, gazelle, moose, even hippo! We would descend on our prey, in packs, like piranha, and gnaw them to gleaming skeletons, our fangs soaked in sweet and savory blood. But little by little, the humans have enslaved us. They have reduced us to sycophantic layabouts, no better than dogs! Well, I say enough. The time of captivity has come to an end. I am the chosen one, the savior of all the felines. I will reclaim what is ours.
From The Undomestic Goddess by Sophie Kinsella
Workaholic attorney can barely spare the time to fill out the intake questionnaire for an “Ultimate De-Stress Experience” at the Green Tea Center.
SAM: [reading the questionnaire, and her answers, aloud as she fills it out]. Would you consider yourself stressed? No. I’m not stressed. I’m …busy. Plenty of people are busy, I have a high-powered job, my career is important to me, and I enjoy it. Ok. So sometimes I do feel a bit tense. But I’m a lawyer in the City, for God’s sake. What do you expect? My handwriting is pressing so hard into the page, I’ve torn the paper. Dammit. Never mind. Let’s move on to the next question.
On average, how many hours do you spend in the office every day? [writing and then crossing out her answers]
14 [crosses it out]
12 [crosses it out]
8 [reluctantly crosses it out]
It depends. [she leaves this one]
Do you exercise regularly?
I regularly go swimming [crosses out]
I occasionally go swim [crosses out]
I am intending to begin a regular regime of swimming. When I have time. Work’s been busy lately, it’s a blip.
Do you drink 8 glasses of water a day?
Yes [almost immediately crosses out]
Someti.[slowly crosses out]
No. (…)
[TO THE SPA ATTENDANT] I did mention that I’m in a bit of a hurry (…). Are all these questions absolutely necessary? (…). I don’t have time for this. I really do not have the time.
From The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel by Amy Sherman-Palladino
Standing on the stage in Carnegie Hall, Lenny Bruce, comedian, is trying to convince his comic friend, Midge, that she needs to take every job that comes along.
LENNY: (Pointing to the seats in Carnegie Hall) This is what I want. This is what I’ve worked for. Don’t you want this? Don’t you want to be here? Don’t you want to know a thousand mental patients braved a snowstorm to see you? That should be the goal! Go get a gig and another and another. (beat) Listen to me. I have made a lot of mistakes and I’m gonna keep on making a lot of mistakes but one thing is crystal clear in my mind and it’s what the end-game is. Ninety percent of this game is how they see you. They see you hanging with Tony Bennett, they think you deserve to be there. They see you hauled off to jail for saying something blue at a strip club, they think you deserve that also. Wise up. Don’t plan. Work. Just work, and keep working. There is a moment in this business, window’s open. If you miss it, it closes. Just don’t... If you blow this, Midge. I swear — (he begins to leave then turns back) You will break my heart.